Solar eclipse may mark the End Times dress accordingly - Chicago Tribune

If you're frustrated by the current political climate or surprised to see that some of our leaders are on the fence about the overall badness of Nazis, there's a major event upcoming that will either distract you or mercifully blind you so you won't witness America's impending collapse.

I'm referring, of course, to Monday's coast-to-coast solar eclipse, the most mysterious and exciting sky thing to happen since spring break of my senior year in college, when I ate mushrooms in Jamaica and briefly thought the moon was coming to eat me.

A solar eclipse, if you believe "scientists," is when the moon passes between the sun and the Earth, blocking out the sunlight and casting a shadow across the land. Personally, I accept the intelligent design explanation: An eclipse happens when God accidentally leans on the sun's dimmer switch.

You say potato, I say deity-created starch orb.

Regardless, this is the United State's first total solar eclipse since 1979, the last year before the 1980s started and everything became terrible.

The total eclipse will only be experienced across a narrow swath of the country that is within the "umbra," a Latin word meaning "awesome place." Parts of southern Illinois are within the umbra.

Here in the Chicago area, we will be in the "penumbra," a Latin word meaning "cursed by God." In this zone, the moon will eclipse 87 percent of the sun, starting at 11:54 a.m. and ending at 1:19 p.m.

No matter which shadow you happen to be in, looking at the eclipse without special eclipse glasses is extremely dangerous. Your eyes will be hollowed out by fire and your face will melt. (Seriously, under no circumstances should you look at the sky without the eclipse glasses, which are rather hard to find at this point.)

If you're unable to directly view the eclipse, don't worry. Staying inside and watching television is always a better decision than going outdoors.

If you really want to get the eclipse experience without ocular destruction, you can go outside on any evening around dusk and pretend it's about noon. Same difference.

To help you prepare for Monday's solar event, here are answers to some common eclipse-related questions:

Q: Is this total solar eclipse a harbinger of the End Times?

A: Yes. Please dress accordingly.

Q: Is there a possibility it's the Death Star blocking out the sun and not the moon?

A: No, you moron. The original Death Star was blown up in "Star Wars," another one was blown up in "Return of the Jedi" and a third one — technically called a Starkiller Base — was blown up in "The Force Awakens." Highly unlikely the Empire could have assembled a new base since then, much less moved it into this quadrant of the galaxy. Duh. (Please email all nerdy corrections to RexHuppke@HanShotFirst.com.)

Q: Is it true the eclipse might cause strange behavior in animals?

A: Yes. Because animals are amazingly stupid, they will think the sun is going down and might start sleeping or engaging in other nighttime rituals, like brushing their teeth or watching reruns of "The Wire." Chickens are particularly susceptible to the sudden darkness of the eclipse. If you're not a farmer and you own chickens, this is a great opportunity to examine some of your life decisions. If you're a farmer and you own chickens, this is a great opportunity to play practical jokes on them, like drawing mustaches on their beaks or surrounding them with chicken nuggets so they get totally freaked out when they wake up.

Q: Was there actually a headline that read: "This summer's solar eclipse is southern Illinois' chance to shine."

A: Yes. Because the total eclipse can be seen in parts of southern Illinois, visitors can come and enjoy the area under the best of conditions: total darkness. This is fitting considering the region's well-known motto: "Southern Illinois: A great place as long you don't have to look at it." (Please send all angry email to RexHuppke@IApologize.com.)

Q: What's the best way to explain the eclipse to children.

A: Identify a bad habit you want your child to stop and then, a few minutes before the eclipse begins, say something along the lines of: "Johnny, if you don't stop making fart noises on your little sister's arm, God is going to extinguish the sun." When the eclipse begins, say: "See, Johnny, I told you so." After the eclipse is over and the child has finished sobbing uncontrollably, say that God had a change of heart, but who knows what will happen next time. Later, contact your health care provider to see which child psychologists are in your network.

That should be enough to get you through the day Monday. Enjoy the eclipse.

In the event it does usher in the end of days, I'd like to get one last thing firmly on the record: Nazis are bad, unequivocally and without exception.

Thank you. (Unless you're a Nazi, in which case I hope the eclipse melts your face off.)　

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com

Twitter @RexHuppke

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